Tomorrow's the day!

So tomorrow is the big day, baby Eloise will be here! Right now I'm lying in bed playing out tomorrow in my head.  I should definitely be sleeping but of course I can't!  After all, we have to be at the hospital at 6am so what's the point?  Anyhoo, I'm filled with anxiety because tomorrow is a huge question mark.  Baby girl is breech, has been for the last few months.  So tomorrow morning at 7:30am my doctor is going to try and manually turn her with a procedure call an ECV or external version.  The ecv typically has about a 60% success rate.  If we are successful I will be induced and able to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).  Abigail was also breech and a c section.  This whole pregnancy I have had my mind set on a vbac bc I absolutely do not want another c section.  One catch, baby girl has to cooperate, which she is not doing right now.  So we will try the ecv in the morning but if we cannot get her to flip then I will have another c section.  Either way, tomorrow's the day.  So...if you have a moment please say a litle prayer for us and that we can get baby Eloise to flip around in hopes of avoiding major abdominal surgery, yay!

The M Word

I hate statistics, I hate numbers and probabilities and all that kind of stuff.  But did you know that one in every five women that becomes pregnant will suffer a miscarriage?  I am now, sadly, one of those women.

Last month Joseph and I lost baby Winterer #2.  The little heartbeat was there at eight weeks, I saw it on the ultrasound screen along with our little nugget.  But at a follow up appoint, at ten weeks, there was no heartbeat.  Joe and I were devastated.  The days after finding out were some of the hardest days I’ve experienced in my 30 years on this earth.  The physical and emotional pain is indescribable and something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  I shut myself out from the world for the most part and didn’t even go outside for nearly a week.  There was mostly sadness, mixed with anger and outright rage at points.  I blamed myself, as any mother would do (despite all the statistics proving that unless you’re an alcoholic or crack addict then there’s absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent it). There had to have been something I could have done, right?  Did I eat something wrong, not eat enough, did I work out too hard or not enough.  Did I drink too much coffee or not take my vitamins?  What did I do?

Throughout the whole thing Joseph was my rock, even though he was hurting too.  With his help and the support of my family, we got through the worst part.  After nearly two weeks, and one failed attempt of returning to work, I picked myself up and re-entered the world a changed person realizing that it was not my fault.  I felt empty, like a piece of me was missing. I still do.  But with each day I have slowly started becoming myself again. The holidays are a nice distraction and I am looking forward to the new year.

I now look at Abigail with such amazement and thankfulness (which of course I did before but now it’s more so).  I know how fortunate we are to have a child when so many people out there try for years and cannot conceive.  And I know that, God forbid, I am never able to have another child that I already know the joy of carrying one.  In the weeks following our loss, so many women have shared their stories with me.  I was shocked to learn from some of my co-workers, family members, and friends that they have suffered a loss as well. It’s unfortunate being part of this “club” but it is somehow, strangely comforting to share your experience and to talk about it.  This is far more common than I ever realized.  

So here we are, a month later.  We are still hurting and healing.  I am finally ready to talk about it. Ready to “accept” it.  (Though I think that accept is a strong word.  I think maybe “come to terms with” is more appropriate.)  But, ugh, I hate that word “miscarriage.”  It’s a horrible word and I just can’t bring myself to say it out loud. It implies that you’ve missed something; that something is gone.  I know that something is missing. The physical being of our baby is gone, but I can still feel her, she is still here.  I may not be able to hold her or rock her, or watch her grow.  I will always wonder what she would have become, what she would have looked like. I will mourn her when her due date arrives in June and I will mourn her little life that never was. But I will also celebrate her. I have faith in the Lord that everything happens for a reason and I need to trust in His plan for us. I pray for her every night.  I am sad that we lost our little one but am comforted that the Lord took her--knowing that something was not quite right.  

Our baby is our guardian angel now and so I have decided that instead of being one of the 20% that has miscarried, I will be one of the 20% that has an angel baby-- watching over Joe, Abigail and me.  That is something I can accept.

Mommy Wars

Mommy Wars

Up until about nine months ago I had no idea such a thing existed but it has become glaringly obvious that there is a vicious civil war going on between moms in this country, and I call it a civil war because we are fighting no one but ourselves. Of course this war is not being fought with weapons but with words, which can be lethal on a psychological level. And the battlefield is not found outside, but inside, in every home with children and even some without. As many of you know, the most recent debate stems from Time Magazine’s cover featuring a young, skinny mom breastfeeding her almost 4 year old. This initial shock may have died down with the general public over the past few days but the problem remains a constant battle between moms everywhere. Breastfeeding, daycare, stay at home moms, work outside the home moms, the issues never end. Moms are constantly finding something to argue over, something to cut one another down over, something to make them feel superior to one another over or at least something that makes them feel “better” than other moms. I’m only going to touch on two hot button issues but there are many.

Let’s start with breastfeeding. It’s a scientific fact that breastfeeding is the best thing for a newborn baby and is the best source of nutrition for a child up to one year of age (according to the AAP) and two years of age (according to the WHO). This is science people, facts are facts. Does this mean that there is anything wrong with proving formula to an infant or that you love your child any less because you chose not to breastfeed? Absolutely not. Alternatively, if a mother chooses to breast feed her child til he or she is three or four and self weans, does this mean she’s a bad parent or weird? Heck no. Breastfeed all you want, wherever you want, however long you want. Formula feed to your heart’s content. The way I see it, as long as your child is getting fed then there’s nothing to argue about and it’s no one’s business but your own. Now, do I think Time Magazine exploited the issue and chose a picture bases on its shock value? You bet your ass I do. Come on Time, we’re supposed to be making things easier for one another not trying to fuel the fire. On a personal/side note I would like to say that moms who do breastfeed should be praised not ridiculed. (But I stress, this does not mean that those who do not wish to bf should be made to feel inferior). I can tell you from experience, it’s hard and painful. Abigail and I are going on nine months breastfeeding, I’m really proud of us! My ultimate goal is a year and then we’ll think about weaning but we shall see. Side rant: America is far far behind the power curve on this one. I read somewhere that 2-3 is the average age a child is weaned from breastfeeding (around the world, not just the US). In European countries bf’ing is so much more acceptable than in the US. Here we see it as some sort of taboo act; we sexualize breasts and forget what they are really for. This is why we have issues with women being asked to cover up or go to a bathroom to feed their children. Guess what America, breast are for feeding! Personally I pump and bottle feed in public but that’s my prerogative and decision. No woman should be forced to pump, it sucks but I have to do it bc I’m away from my baby for nine hours a day. It is a woman’s right to breastfeed in public and as such she should be encouraged to do so and praised. Television shows like Sesame Street used to feature breastfeeding woman and took that opportunity to teach children about it. We should educate our children on breastfeeding, then maybe we wouldn’t’ have ignorant adults who tell woman to put their boobs away and stop exposing themselves. Ok rant over.

Now onto working. Ugh, what a mess. Working moms should never be made to feel bad for their decisions or made to feel like they are missing their baby’s childhood. Stay at home moms (SAHMs) should never be made to feel like they don’t “work” because Lord knows they do. I think SAHMs are amazing and work very very hard! I’m a work outside the home mom and I work incredibly hard as well. I work hard at the office and even harder at home. I like my job and I love my child. Do I wish that I could spend every waking second with Abigail? I sure do. I do get slightly jealous when I see friend post Facebook pics from Mommy and Me classes but I can imagine (and this is purely a guess) that they might get a little jealous too when I post about awesome/fun things I’m doing at work. I work because I have to (I just happen to thoroughly enjoy what I do) and that does not make me any less or more of a mom. Joe and I work to pay the bills, to save for Abigail’s college, and to put a roof over her head. But aside from financial reasons, I work because I am striving to be (what I believe to be) the best role model I can for my daughter. I want to teach her that you can really have it all. You can be a successful career woman and a mom; you really don’t have to choose. Also I put a lot of money into my education to get to where I am today, I don’t want to have to start all over in five years when Abigail goes off to school and I’m certainly not going to sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to get off the school bus every day. Daycare sucks, I’d hire a nanny if I could but alas daycare is reality and I’ve accepted that. Abigail is doing just fine, she’s doing great actually. But the turth is it takes a village to raise a child. No one will ever love Abigail as much as Joe and I do but there are certainly people out there that are capable of helping her grown and learn on a daily basis. And she will grow up to be a successful well rounded intelligent individual, day care or not.

Whether you choose to co sleep, breastfeed, baby wear, stay at home, formula feed or push your baby around in a stroller, who cares?! That’s your right as a parent; you get to choose how to raise that child. As long as no one is harming their child then it’s really no one’s business. I think moms in American are doing each other a great disservice by inciting this mom civil war against each other. We attack each other as if we’re bitter enemies. There are so many other things out there that ARE actually harming out children on a daily basis. Maybe instead of attacking each other we should instead wage a war against poverty, drugs, child abuse or domestic violence. Let’s find a real crime and attack that or put someone on the cover of Time that sparks praise not ridicule. Abraham Lincoln said that a house divided cannot stand. We’re all in this together so let’s stand together. Parenthood is hard enough, the last thing we need is another enemy cutting us down or stressing us out, pretty sure parents are hard enough on themselves. We all have good days and bad days but in the end we’re all just trying to do the best we can for our kids. We need to strive to be more supportive instead of disabling. Let’s cheer on that mother that breastfeeds her child or that parent that works hard to put a roof over their family’s head. Let’s band together and stop wasting time attacking our allies, each other.

Can you put granola in ice cream?

I’m a crunchy mom…I’m a hippie, tree hugging, granola mom.  Ok maybe I’m not that extreme but for some moms out there I would be considered a little different and here are three reasons why or at least the top three things people give me a funny look for:

1)    I breastfeed (tmi  maybe but I just don’t care anymore).  Someone asked me this once and when I said yes they looked at me funny and said I didn’t take you for the type.  I don’t know what that meant but I found it slightly insulting.  Admittedly this isn’t too extreme (none of these things are) but for some reason breastfeeding has become not the norm over the past decade.  Anyhoo, I decided while I was pregnant to at least give it a shot.  As with all other major decisions, I left my options open, meaning that I decided to try everything (except cloth diapers) and see how it went.  Well I was lucky to be able to breastfeed without too much trouble.  Abigail cooperated, I cooperated, it all worked out.  Well then the question arose of how long I was going to do it.  I decided to divide and conquer, a month at time.  Well I made it through the first six weeks which if you've ever done it then you know the first six weeks are the hardest.  so I set my goal to three months then six months.  Well it will be six months on the 19th and everything is still going very well so I have actually extended my goal to a full year (to be perfectly honest I’ve actually challenged myself to do it for a year).  This is the “extreme” part for some people.  They look at me and say “A year?!” as if that’s too long to breastfeed but it’s actually the American Association of Pediatrician’s recommendation.  Sidenote: the World Health Organization recommends two years. And trust me there are a great many women out there who do it for much longer, God bless ‘em.   I like breastfeeding. I like knowing that I am doing the best thing for my baby.   It’s hard, but I like it.  I like the time I get to spend with Abigail while doing it.  It’s her and me time, it’s time I get to just relax and cherish my baby girl.  It’s nice that no matter how crazy life is I know I get to spend quality time with her at the beginning and end of every day. (Pumping, on the other hand, sucks entirely.)  Selfishly though this has made my baby weight fall off like whoa.  I'm actually only a few pounds shy of pre baby Gretchen, eventhough I'm far from feeling like pre baby Gretchen.  It all evens out though becaue I am CONSTANTLY hungry, some days it's actually worse than when I was pregnant.  Abigail is eating more now and my body is working overtime to keep up with her, hence the two chocolate chip cookies I ate today and the ice cream i eat every day around 3pm...

2)      I make my own baby food.  Ok so apparently this is trendy now and we all know how trendy I am so of course I went out and bought the Baby Bullet and immediately began pureeing my own baby food.  So far so good, we are taking it slow.  Sweet potatoes were a bust, but pears, bananas, and avacados havee been a big hit.  I know exactly what Abigail is eating.  I like picking the best fruits or veggies and preparing them myself.  This way I know she’s getting organic and we’re not going broke while doing it.  It’s quite easy and actually fun…

3)      I’m an attachment parent type mom.  I don’t believe in the Ferber Method more popularly dubbed the “Cry it Out” Method or CIO. Don’t get me wrong, the thought’s crossed my mind several times and we even tried it for about three minutes once, then caved.  I believe in cuddling and holding and coddling and spoiling my baby girl until she can’t possibly be cuddled/coddled/spoiled any more.  I pick her up every time she cries and don’t put her down til she stops.  Abigail is not a “cryer” she's more of a "whiner," so I'll def. let her whine fof a few minutes but if she turns to crying then I pick kher up.  She cries when she's sick (who doens't) or when she's so extremely tired that she can't seem to sleep (still have trouble figuring that one out) but other than that she doesn’t really cry that much, maybe for a minute or two here or there but we’ve been really lucky with her.  So when she does actually cry I get upset too.   A piece of me crumbles when a little tear falls out of her little eye.  (Side note, did you know that babies don’t actually have tears until they’re like three months old.  When they do start to develop and you see one leave your baby’s eye it will break your heart.)  Now I say this knowing that my baby is just shy of six months old and there may come a time when she screams for attention.  At that point I will most definitely need to reassess our current parenting “method.”  Many people on the message board I participate in talk about how they are working on their babies sleeping through the night.  Well Abigail doesn’t do this yet and I’m not going to force her to.  She goes to bed at 7, sleeps til 6 and wakes up once to eat.  I’m good with that for now.  In my opinion if she wakes up then clearly something is wrong, ie she’s hungry or she needs a diaper change.  It’s the least we can do to take ten minutes to feed or change her.  Now in all honesty when I’m up at 3am feeding her I definitely consider “sleep training” much sooner.  But it’s working for now so we’ll reassess in a few months. And yes I am exhausted. This is all part of the “Winterer: I don’t know what the hell I’m doing so l’m gonna try this” Method the Joe and I have created.  I’ll be sure to expand on the specifics of this at another time, is actually pretty easy.

So really the only thing holding me back from being full on granola is my repulsion of cloth diapers (please don’t take this personally if you use them, more power to you) and the fact that instead of driving a Subuaru Outback I drive a gas guzzling SUV, but it’s a crossover SUV so I think that counts for something. Also I’ve recently started wearing my Danskos again that has to gain me some hippie points…

Alrighty well I’m pretty sure I’ve offended enough people today

*Note: I really dont mean to offend anyone or critique anyone's parenting method (ie cloth diapers,formula, etc.).  Different strokes for different folks and we all gotta make it through this parenting/baby thing the best way we see fit.  I'm in no way, shape, or form equipped to cast judgements on anyone :-)

Whew what a week!

As most of you know poor little Abigail has been a bit under the weather for the past two weeks. Actually to say a bit under the weather is an understatement, she was actually very very ill. Two weeks ago her daycare provider called and said that her 6 month old son had tested positive for RSV (Respiritory Syncytial Virus). This virus is much like a cold and in toddlers and adults doesn't present too much of a problem. However in infants it can lead constrict the airway and lead to labored breathing and possibly pneumonia. We kept our fingers crossed that Abigail wouldn’t' get it but that was next to impossible since it's highly contagious. Well on Friday she started to get a cough and by Saturday her nose was running and her cough was worse. We actually were headed to Roanoke on Saturday afternoon for James' bday but turned around and came home because little Abigail was coughing up a storm in the backseat. Sunday wasn't much better and on Monday morning we headed to the doc's office. Sure enough, she had RSV. What we thought was the midpoint of her sickness was actually only the beginning. So we set up camp in the Family room downstairs so she could sleep in her swing, elevated and we could keep a close eye on her. She got increasingly sick over Monday night and Tuesday. She ran a 101.5 fever was having labored breathing through Tuesday night. So Joe took her back to the doc on Wednesday where she got a antibiotic shot, a nebulizer treatments and a Tylenol suppository. As if all that wasn't bad enough she then had to go for a chest x-ray. From what Joe explained this was the worst experience every. He had to hold her down while she wailed and cried, not good for a baby who was already having trouble breathing. The doc. sent Abigail home with a Nebulizer which she had to use every 6 hours til breathing improved. We were so overwhelmed with all this stuff that I'm surprised we didn't loose it. Not only could our little baby not breath but she still had a temperature and refused to take her baby Tylenol, it was really very very hard. Sidenote: apparently CVS no longer sells baby tylenol suppositories...Thankfully around 8 pm on Wednesday night her fever broke and the neb. treatments started working. By Thursday she was much improved but Joe and I felt like we had been through the ringer. We thought taking care of a newborn was hard, taking care of a sick baby was the worst because you’re sick with worry and sometimes there's nothing you can do but sit and wait, and not sleep. Either way we made it through the week and Abigail is doing much better now. It will take another week for the virus to be completely out of her system but she is much improved. Her sleeping on the other hand has taken a step in the wrong direction. Before she got sick she was sleeping a solid six hours at night which was awesome, now she's back down to three hours. According to my baby research month four brings about what’s called a "wonder week" where her brain makes a "mental leap." For some babies this can lead to temporary fussiness and sleep regression. This is def. the case with her, she's not overly fussy, never has been. But we can tell that her little brain is working overtime and she's making big steps in the motor skills department. She's always been very strong and alert but as of the last week or so she's become increasingly aware of her surroundings and almost seems to have "woken up" a bit more. It's so amazing to watch her grown and to watch her little brain just a working away.
Anyhoo, Christmas is upon us and of course we went way overboard on Christmas presents. I am so excited! We got her tons of books and clothes and Santa will be bringing an exersaucer. I am super excited for this Christmas and all the ones to come with her. She's so special and makes us laugh and smile everyday. We thank God for her every night. Well that's the update for now. Til next year...

Our new normal

I apologize in advance for typos...
So I've been back to work for four weeks now and Abigial has been in daycare for two of those weeks.  I must say that we have adapted to our new normal quite well.  It's definitely an adjustment but we were lucky enough to have Joe's mom come stay with us my first week back to work and then Joe stayed home the week of Thanksgiving so I was able to adjust to going back to work for two weeks before having to deal with the daycare thing.  Going back to work was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  I spent twleve wonderful weeks home with little munchkin and I knew all along that I'd have to go back but it was still incredibly hard.  Work is work and I'm so thankful to have a job it's just really hard somedays when I think about Abigail playing or laughing and smiling without me :-(
Choosing a daycare was probably the most stressful thing I've done in my life.  We were  lucky enough to score a spot in an in-home daycare somewhat halfway between work and home.  It's been great except that Abigail has already been sick twice.  She is actually sick right now :-(  It really sucks when you're baby is sick because when their 16 weeks olds there's not much you can do except feed them and let them sleep.  We have originally planned on heading to Roanoke this weekend for James' 30th bday but we got about five miles down the road this afternoon and and ened up turning around to come home because Abigail was showing signs of getting worse.  She's got a little cough, her nose is running like a faucet and had a fever this afternoon.  Thankfully her fever subsided this evening but she is still a pathetic little mess and it's absolutely heartbreaking when she coughs, she's so little and it's like she doesn't understand why she isn't her regular self. 
Anyhoo back to the new normal.  So we've estaslished some sort of "schedule" with Abigail.  I say "schedule" because with a four month old there really isn't one.  As soon as you get used to something it completely changes or she goes through a growth spurt which throws everything off.  But for now we are up aroudn 4:45 to start getting ready for work, I drop Abigail off at daycare by 6:45 to get work around 7.  I work an alternate schedule of 9 hours a day to have every other friday off so Joe picks her up in the afternoons around 3:45 where she comes home to play and hang out til aroudn 7 when she heads to bed.  She's doing a great job of sleeping right now, doing about 6-7 hour stretches (whichis awesome for exclusively breatfed babies) til we get her up in the morning.  Usually it works out to where we only have to wake up to feed her once at night.  We alternate nights and that's been working out really well.
Next month is a big one because we'll be starting solid foods.  By solid foods I mean rice cereal watered down with milk.  Basically she'll get two teaspoons of mush a day til 6 months when she can start other stuff like veggies.  I've decided to make my own baby food (hear me out before you call me crazy).  I honestly can't stand the sight of jarred baby food plus they are full of preservatives and added sugar, if you know me then you know this won't fly in my household.  Last weekend my dad gave Abigail a giftcard to Kohls for her baptism and we got a Baby bullet.  Steaming and mashing up vegetables is not that hard, plus you can mass produce and freeze it! So for now, that's what we'll be doing, we'll reassess once I figure out how time consuming all this is.
So like I just mentioed Abigail got baptized.  The whole family came down, including Annie who is her godmother and Jimmy who is her godfather. Annie and James brought Clara so the cousins met for the first time,it was awesome!  For the Baptism Abigail wore a gown that was made out of my grandmother's wedding dress.  My father and I were both baptized in it. She did great during the ceremony and didn't even flinch when the priest poured the water over her.  She is absolutely wonerful and continues to amaze me with her baby strength and growing abilities.   She is super strong and can tummy time with the best of them.  She goes back to teh doc. on Dec. 23rd adn I'm so anxious to see how much she weights.  I would be she's about 13lbs now meaning she's literally doubled in size.  She is currently working on rolling over.  She did it once but hasn't done it again recently.  She does like to "talk" but she is more of the strong silent type. You can definitley tell that she just like to sit back and take everything in.  I love her so much, you can never fully graps the amount of love your capable of until you have a baby.  All of the sudden nothing else matters except that baby.  But along with this love comes an immense amount of worry, this is def. something I didn't prepare for.  Every time I put her to bed I worry, every twitch or sign I worry and with this cold that she has now I'm a mess. But that's normal I suppose, she's the center of our world and the sparkle in our eyes. This Christmas is going to be awesome, I alreay have plans to go way overboard on spoiling her with gifts even though she wont remember it. We put teh lights on the tree tonight and she was just in awe of the sparkly lights, it was so awesome.  She is most def. going to be spoiled rotten! She certainly has Joe and I wrapped around her little baby finger and we love every second of it!  So until next time, that's the baby update.  She's amazing and wonderul and a true miracle, but we already knew that :-)

Three months old!

So let me just start by saying that the past three months has been the most amazing, incredibly experience of my life.  Abigail is the most amazing thing I have ever seen and sometimes when I look at her and hold her in my arms I get teary eyed knowing what a miracle she is.  She makes me laugh (especially when she gets that goofy smile on her face) and she constantly amazes me with her rapd growth and incredibly "mightiness." (Her doc. called her mighty at her last visit, saying she was incredibly strong for her age, I have actuall called her mighty mouse from day 1.)   I cannot believe she's almost three months old, she has grown sooo fast!  And these past three months have been just a crazy/awesome journey.
In the essence of full disclosure though, motherhood is terrifying.  You are suddenly responsible for somethign so precious that you start to second guess everything you do, from the food you eat (if your breastfeeding which I am) to how fast you drive (which I do).  Your life does a comlete 180, you are no longer just you, you are you and baby.  running errands takes on a whole new complicatedness (word?)  Stroller, baby bag, carseat, diapers, wipes, pacifiers, burpclothes, tiny socks, and blanket.  You have to make sure you have it all before even leaving the house.  It's crazy, amazing and exhausting.  Time flies at a ridiculous rate.  For the first couple weeks your kind of in a vaccuum, you are in your own little world of babiness adn nothing else matters.  Not to mention that you are so exhausted from only sleeping for two hours at a time that you could really care less what is happening in the outside world.  For me, thinking back, the first six weeks are kind of a blur, which sucks a little because I want to make the most out of my time at home with Abigail but I spent a good portion of hte first six weeks not able to do much because I was recovering from major abdominal surgery (thank you C section).  Once I started to feel better, Abigail and I got out and started going places.  We walked everyday wiht the dog and tried to do a few things every week.  Around week 8 I was feeling great and really starting to get used to this mommy thing.  Abigail started sleeping longer and things started to feel normal again. Then Abigail got thrush in her mouth, which is common in babies but a huge pain in the ass considering she also gave it to me.  So we dealt with that for a couple weeks, got rid of it and got back on the road to normalcy.  Then around week 10 Abigail started have trouble going to sleep at night.  We tried putting her in her crib in her own room and starting some sort of routine at night, bath, eating, bedtime.  She did great the first night, then after that she refused to go to bed.  She is just not quite old enough to self soothe and has a hard time making her transitions from sleep cycles.  This led to a tired and frustrated set of parents.  So she came back in our room and back to her bassinet, where she is comfortable.  We've concluded to try again in a few weeks after she gets better at self soothing and is a better sleeper.  After all she's just a baby and she just wasn't ready yet.  She seems to be doing better with sleeping now and knowing when it's bedtime.  We'll see...
So here we are, my last week at home with her before going back to work.  I'm sad anxious, nervous, and depressed all at once.  THankfully Joe's mom will be coming to watch her next week then Joe is taking the week of Thanksgiving off so she won't be going to daycare until teh week after Thanksgiving.  this makes going back to work a bit easier, we can ease into all the new changes.  I know it's going to be incredibly difficult adn I am going to be an emotional basket case for the next few weeks so I'm just trying not to think about it.  I just can't believe that my twelve weeks are up, where did they go?  I look at this tiny thing taking a nap right now and can't believe that I'm not going to get to hang out with her all the time.  It makes me sad.  I know she is going to be fine because she is a baby and doesn't know any better but I am honestly going to miss hanging out with her and watch her reach her milestones every week.  I guess it will make coming home from work all the more exciting though. Work is a must, I would love to stay home with her but that's just not an option right now.  I want to be a good role model for Abigail and show her that you can be a mommy and have a career too.  I have worked very hard to get where I am, went to school for a long time, and spent thousands upon thousand of dollars to get the best education to lead me to my current position.  I want to work even harder to be the best in my field and I enjoy what I do.  I want Abigail to know that you can have it all, family and career.  So back to work I go. Sigh....
So on top of preparing to go back to work, I went to the doctor and found out I have Shingles!!!! yay!  I got a rash on my leg last Friday which progressed to a bigger rash so I figured I'd get it looked at and the doc said shingles, awesome!  Basically the chicken pox virus lays dormant in your body after you get it as a child and can come back when your an adult if you get sick or are under a lot of stress....well hello...stress is a constant in my life right now.  I have to be extremely careful to keep it covered so that Abigail does not come into contact with it or she could get Chicken Pox.  It shoudl be gone by next week but it's just another thing to worry about in my last week with her.  It was something I really didnt need. 
So that's where we are now. The next transition is going to be a big one, figuring out how to be working parents and getting used to daycare.  We'll see how it goes, I'll keep you posted...
ps-no time to spell check, sorry.